How to Stop All or Nothing Thinking
The Dangers of All or Nothing Thinking, And How to Change it
Have you ever told yourself things like…
“If I can’t do it like I’ve planned it, there’s no point doing it at all”
“Why do I always mess things up”
“I never get things right”
Or maybe you always try to do everything at once: change your diet, work on your relationships, start a business… only to burn out and give up?
Welcome to the all-or-nothing trap; one of the most common killers of potential.
Let’s unpack what all-or-nothing thinking is, why it’s so common (especially for high-achievers) and how it sabotages progress.
You’ll also learn practical steps to shift that way of thinking and build momentum that’s consistent and results that last.
🔍 What Is All or Nothing Thinking?
All or nothing thinking (also called black and white thinking or dichotomous thinking) is a cognitive distortion where things are seen in extremes: success or failure, good or bad, 100% or zero.
For example:
If you skip one day at the gym, might as well skip the week.
If you eat one ‘junky’ thing, the whole day becomes a ‘cheat day’.
If your business launch isn’t perfect, you assume it will be a disaster.
If you’re not constantly productive, you feel like you’re falling behind.
But life is almost never binary. And this kind of thinking makes it almost impossible to be consistent, flexible, or kind to yourself. Believe me, I know!
📍 Where Does the All or Nothing Cognitive Distortion Come From?
All-or-nothing thinking is a survival-based mental shortcut. These shortcuts – known as neural efficiencies – are the brain’s way of conserving energy and simplifying uncertainty. Yes/No decisions are faster and simpler to process when faced with danger.
Imagine you’re living 50,000 years ago on the savannah.
You’re not worried about a to-do list or building your personal brand.
(I actually cracked myself up writing that. I think I need to go out more 🤔)
No, you’re worried about one thing: survival. And in that world, our brain had to make quick, high-stakes decisions:
• Is that rustle in the grass a lion or just the wind?
→ Better to assume it’s a lion and run.
• Is this food or poison?
→ If you’re not sure, avoid it altogether.
There was no time for nuance. The cost of guessing wrong was death. So, the brain evolved a binary filter — safe or dangerous, us or them, good or bad, so that whenever there was danger, uncertainty, or overwhelm, being ‘absolute’ kept you alive.
This binary yes/no operating system helped early humans stay alive, pass on their genes, and evolve.
But in modern life, this outdated mechanism causes more harm than good. The brain (the amygdala) can treat failure and loss of approval as “threats”, particularly for all-or-nothing thinkers.
Here’s how it plays out:
• Perfectionism: Many people believe that only perfection is acceptable. This creates pressure to avoid mistakes, which leads to avoidance or burnout.
• Fear of Failure: If trying and failing feels too risky, it’s “safer” (in your mind) to not try at all unless you can guarantee success.
• Low tolerance for discomfort: All-or-nothing thinking offers temporary relief from discomfort, but it trades long-term growth for short-term safety.
• Social conditioning: In achievement-driven cultures, the pressure to appear ‘on top of everything’ creates unrealistic standards.
This kind of thinking activates your stress response (raising cortisol), narrows your focus, and reduces creativity - the exact opposite of what’s needed to grow.
How Early Childhood Can Reinforce it
If a child grows up in an environment where love, praise, or attention were conditional and tied to performance, behaviour, or perfection, they begin to think success = love and approval, and failure = rejection and disappointment.
Also, children who were shamed or punished for mistakes often learn that failure isn’t safe. Their minds conclude “avoid mistakes at all costs. All or Nothing.”
⚠️ How It Shows Up in Real Life
Here are the 4 most common examples I see:
1. Trying to do everything at once
You decide to start a new habit, but instead of choosing one thing to master, you try to change your diet, morning routine, sleep, exercise, and career all at the same time. The overwhelm takes over and none of it sticks.
2. Feeling ‘behind’ in life
You scroll through social media, compare yourself to others, and think, “If I’m not already successful like these people, then I’ve failed.”
3. Delaying action until it’s perfect
You hold back on launching your business, writing that book, or applying for the job, waiting for everything to be “ready”.
4. Being either ‘on track’ or ‘off the rails’
One off-day or mistake can cause a spiral. You abandon the goal altogether instead of making a small adjustment and continuing.
🎯 Why It’s Common Among High Achievers
Highly driven people typically set extraordinary or multiple goals, and their self-worth can often be based on performance and outcomes. Many high achievers also juggle intense roles: career, parenting, leadership, ambition.
That creates internal rules like:
· “If I can’t do it all, I won’t do any of it.”
· “If I’m not 100% in, I’m out.”
It feels “efficient”, but it sabotages long-term growth and flexibility.
And because they fear mediocrity, they’d rather burn out in pursuit of excellence than “settle.” This can create rigidity and inner criticism.
If this sounds like you — you’re not broken. You’ve just been operating with a mental model that no longer serves your growth. I’ve experienced that struggle personally.
💥 What Happens When You ‘Embrace the Grey’
When you let go of seeing things either black or white, you will unlock:
• Sustainable progress: Small steps that compound. No more stop-start cycles.
• More joy and freedom: You begin to enjoy the process instead of worrying about the result.
• Greater self-compassion: Failures become useful data, not shame.
• Creative breakthroughs: Flexibility opens space for new ideas and unexpected solutions.
The science is clear on this: focusing on sustainable progress instead of ideal outcomes equals better and happier wellbeing on every front.
🔄 The Fix
If you’re an All-or-Nothing thinker, you’d love the fix to be an on/off switch, and you’ll flick it on only if the result is guaranteed. Ironic, isn’t it?
Here’s the thing, old wiring can’t be changed overnight, it takes method and practice, but when you do change it (and you will), it’s so damn worth it.
But I will give you 3 tips you can start using today that I’ve seen pay off time and time again:
1. Don’t Ditch the Switch, Just Make it Smaller
Let’s start with a quick win: the first step to rewiring it is adapting it to work FOR you. Take this black-or-white view but chunk it down so that it only applies to single steps or tasks, not the entire outcome:
Let’s say you missed Monday at the gym. No worries. That one day is a zero. But Wednesday is still 100% up for grabs. Each day is a separate file, not part of a streak you’ve now broken forever.
Did you push out a piece of marketing that didn’t land? That doesn’t mean your entire brand is broken. That was one test, and the results gave you feedback, not a verdict. It was an experiment that isolated what doesn’t work, so you can double down on what does.
Or maybe you went out on a date it was a disaster. The zero equals one date, not your love life. That one date wasn’t “The One”. Good, one less wrong door to knock on. That one ‘no’ doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. Change the ‘e’ into an ‘a’ and that date becomes data. In a year it will be a funny story, maybe you’ll even tell it at another date!
2. Watch your language
Our words aren’t only how we communicate with others, it’s also how we subconsciously communicate with ourselves. Here are some examples of language changes that will start reframing your thinking:
Instead of words like ‘never’, ‘always’, start saying ‘not yet’ and ‘sometimes’.
Change ‘should’ and ‘I have to’ into ‘could’ and ‘I want to’.
Choose a better F-word: say ‘feedback’, not ‘failure’.
Reframing all-or-nothing language will shift our thinking from permanence to possibility, it will help us regain agency, and will train our mind to see value in partial effort that compounds over time.
3. Use the “Grey Scale”
Learn to Think in Degrees.
One of the most practical tools to rewire all-or-nothing thinking is called the Grey Scale Technique. This comes directly from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and it’s designed to help people see progress as a spectrum, not as a win/lose outcome.
Instead of: “I didn’t stick perfectly to my plan, so the whole thing is a zero.”
Try: “I got 40% of it done. That’s a 4/10. What would make it a 5 tomorrow?”
This trains your brain to notice gradual progress, which leads to more consistent motivation and far less guilt or frustration. Why it works:
Helps shift your identity from a perfectionist to a progress-maker.
Reduces the emotional “crash” after a mistake – 4 feels a lot nicer than zero.
Trains the brain to tolerate “incompletion” while staying committed.
Bonus Tip: Track Your Progress Visually
Use a habit tracker, wall calendar, or even a sticky note system. Why? Because visual tracking:
• Boosts dopamine through visible wins
• Encourages habit repetition
• Reduces decision fatigue
🧭 Final Thought: Clarity Over Chaos
If your goals feel too big, if you’re always overwhelmed, or if you’ve been stuck in a cycle of starting, stopping, or waiting for the “perfect” moment, let this be your sign.
You don’t need a new strategy. You need a new lens. Trade all or nothing for something that sticks.
And if you would like help breaking through this pattern, book a free strategy session and let’s get started.